Finding a Therapist Is a Lot Like Dating (And That’s Okay)

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Danika Desforges-Bell, MSc Ps ed.,
Mental Health Counsellor & Behavioural/Parenting Consultant

Finding a Therapist Is a Lot Like Dating (And That’s Okay)

As a mental health counselor, one of the most common things I hear is: “I tried counseling once, and it didn’t work.” When I ask a few more questions, it often turns out that counseling didn’t fail – the fit just wasn’t right.
This is why I often remind potential new clients that finding the right counselor is a lot like dating. The fit has to feel right.
At first, there’s the scrolling. You read profiles, scan credentials, and try to get a feel for someone based on a few paragraphs and a headshot. You’re asking yourself: Do they seem safe? Do they get people like me? Can I imagine opening up to this person? Just like dating profiles, counselor bios can only tell you so much. Chemistry doesn’t live on a webpage.


Then comes the first session – the “first date.” You might feel hopeful, awkward, nervous, or guarded. You’re noticing everything: how they listen, whether you feel rushed, if their questions land gently or miss the mark. You may leave thinking, That felt surprisingly good, or Hmm… I don’t think this is it. Both reactions are completely valid.
Here’s the part I really want people to hear: not clicking with a counselor doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It also doesn’t mean the counselor is “bad.” It simply means the relationship – the most important part of counseling – wasn’t the right match. Just like dating, timing, personality, communication style, and values all matter.


Research consistently supports this. Decades of studies show that the quality of the counseling relationship is one of the strongest predictors of positive outcomes – often more important than the specific approach or techniques used. Psychologist Edward Bordin famously described the therapeutic alliance as a combination of trust, collaboration, and emotional bond, and research continues to affirm that “the alliance accounts for a significant portion of the variance in counseling outcomes.” In other words, feeling understood and connected isn’t just “nice to have” – it’s foundational.


It’s also worth remembering that just like dating, you might need different relationships at different points in your life. The counselor who was a great fit during a crisis may not be the same one you want for deeper self-exploration later. At one stage, you might need structure and skills; at another, space to process or grieve. That doesn’t mean the earlier relationship failed – it means your needs evolved. Dating works the same way: different seasons call for different kinds of connection.


Sometimes clients worry about “hurting the counselor’s feelings” by not coming back. I promise you: a good counselor would rather you find the right support than stay out of politeness. Counseling isn’t about loyalty; it’s about healing.
And yes, just like dating, it can be tiring. Telling your story again. Taking a risk again. Hoping this time it feels different. That effort, though, is not wasted. Each experience teaches you more about what you need – more structure, more warmth, more challenge, or more quiet space.


When the fit is right, you’ll feel it. You won’t agree on everything, but you’ll feel respected. Seen. Safe enough to be honest. That’s when the real work can begin.
So if you’re considering counseling right now, be gentle with yourself. You’re not “failing” if it takes a few tries – you’re learning what works for you. And just like in dating, the goal isn’t to make it work with just anyone; it’s to find the right relationship for you.
If you’re curious about whether we might be a good fit, I invite you to book an initial phone consultation. Sometimes a brief conversation is all it takes to know whether the connection feels right – and that’s a meaningful first step.

Danika Desforges-Bell, MSc Ps ed.