Danika Desforges-Bell, MSc., Ps.Éd., CMHP
Co-clinic Director of C’est La Vie Wellness and Mental Health Counsellor & Parenting/Behavioural Consultant
We Can’t Heal What We Can’t Feel
Sometimes the most productive thing we can do is stop, feel, and ask for support.
I’m writing this blog after choosing therapy over the gym this week.
And, honestly? That choice felt significant.
I had a few particularly challenging days at work where my confidence was shaken—both personally and professionally. I found myself replaying conversations, questioning my decisions, and getting caught in thoughts about my own self-worth.
At some point, my husband lovingly pointed out: “You’re ruminating.”😂
He wasn’t wrong.
I could feel myself getting stuck in a loop of rumination, intrusive and fixating thoughts, and self-doubt. The more I thought about things, the more mentally fatigued I became. I noticed physical anxiety creeping in, and I could see avoidance patterns starting to emerge.
And I knew I needed to interrupt the cycle.
So instead of going to the gym, I emailed my therapist and asked if she could see me as soon as possible.
I needed to feel to heal.
I was nervous heading into that session.
Not because I didn’t trust my therapist or the process—I did. I was nervous because I knew that getting unstuck wasn’t going to happen by simply thinking my way out of the discomfort.
I was going to have to feel it.
The disappointment.
The fear.
The insecurity.
The vulnerability.
The hurt underneath the thoughts.
And, as anyone who has been in therapy knows, sometimes that is the uncomfortable part.
We can spend an incredible amount of energy trying to figure things out when what we actually need is to pause long enough to notice what is happening inside of us.
We are very good at thinking our way around feelings
For many of us, thinking feels safer than feeling.
We analyze. We problem-solve. We replay. We research. We plan. We distract ourselves. We tell ourselves why we shouldn’t feel a certain way.
Sometimes we intellectualize an experience so thoroughly that we never actually give ourselves permission to experience it.
And there’s a reason we do this.
Avoiding difficult emotions can provide temporary relief. If I don’t acknowledge that something hurt me, perhaps I don’t have to sit with the hurt. If I can find the perfect explanation for why something happened, maybe I won’t have to feel the uncertainty.
But the difficulty is that avoiding an emotion doesn’t necessarily make it disappear.
Often, it simply changes how it shows up.
Maybe it becomes rumination.
Maybe it becomes irritability.
Maybe it becomes anxiety in your body.
Maybe it becomes perfectionism, overworking, people-pleasing, withdrawal, or avoidance.
Maybe it becomes the persistent little voice telling you that you’re not good enough.
Feeling isn’t the same as being consumed by your feelings
This is an important distinction.
When we talk about feeling our feelings, we aren’t suggesting that we need to sit in every emotion indefinitely or let our emotions dictate our behaviour.
Instead, we are talking about developing the capacity to notice, name, and make space for our internal experiences without immediately judging them or trying to make them disappear.
Mindfulness and self-compassion can help us develop this capacity.
Instead of:
“I shouldn’t be feeling this way.”
We might try:
“Something about this really hurts.”
Instead of:
“Why am I still thinking about this? Just get over it.”
We might try:
“My mind is stuck on this because something feels unresolved.”
And instead of:
“What is wrong with me?”
We might ask:
“What do I need right now?”
That shift—from judgment to curiosity—can be incredibly powerful.
What happened in my therapy session?
I won’t share all the details (therapy is still therapy 😉), but I can tell you how I felt walking out.
Relieved.
Grounded.
More focused.
The circumstances hadn’t magically changed. The things that had shaken my confidence hadn’t disappeared.
But my relationship with what had happened had changed.
I had created space to actually acknowledge what I was feeling instead of continuing to run mental laps around it.
And perhaps most importantly, I was able to reconnect with self-compassion.
Instead of continuing the internal narrative that questioned my worth, I started practicing a different kind of self-talk—one that was more understanding, realistic, and kind.
Not “Everything is fine!”
Not “I shouldn’t feel this way!”
But something closer to:
“This was hard. It makes sense that I’m affected by it. And this experience does not determine my worth.”
That felt much more honest.
And much more healing.
Healing doesn’t always look productive.
This experience also reminded me of something I regularly tell my clients:
Sometimes taking care of ourselves doesn’t look productive.
Sometimes self-care is the gym.
Sometimes it’s getting outside.
Sometimes it’s going to bed early.
Sometimes it’s calling a friend.
And sometimes it’s sitting in a therapist’s office and allowing yourself to feel something you’ve been trying very hard not to feel.
Choosing therapy over the gym wasn’t choosing mental health instead of physical health.
It was recognizing what I needed that day.
And I think there’s something important in that.
We don’t always need to push harder.
Sometimes we need to pause.
To notice.
To feel.
To ask for help.
To offer ourselves the same compassion we would so readily offer someone we love.
We can’t heal what we can’t—or won’t—feel
I love the phrase often associated with Kristin Neff’s work: “We can’t heal what we can’t feel.”
While I don’t think healing means forcing ourselves to experience every difficult emotion all at once, I do believe that meaningful change often begins with our willingness to turn toward our internal experience rather than continually turning away from it.
Our emotions aren’t problems that need to be eliminated.
They’re information.
They tell us that something matters.
And when we can learn to listen to that information with curiosity and compassion, rather than fear or judgment, we create an opportunity to respond differently.
Therapy can be one of those places.
A place where you don’t have to have the right words.
A place where you don’t have to have everything figured out.
A place where you can slow down enough to notice what’s happening beneath the thoughts, behaviours, and coping strategies—and begin to understand what you might actually need.
Because sometimes the way forward isn’t another strategy for thinking less.
Sometimes it’s giving ourselves permission to feel what we’ve been trying so hard not to feel.
And maybe that’s where healing begins.
💛 Want to explore what’s underneath the thoughts?
If you’ve been feeling stuck in rumination, self-doubt, anxiety, avoidance, or difficult emotions that seem to keep circling back, you don’t have to figure it all out on your own.
If you’re a past or current client, please don’t hesitate to book your next session. I’d be happy to reconnect and support you.
And if we’ve never worked together, you’re welcome to book a free consultation with me to explore whether counselling might be a good fit for you.
Sometimes the first step isn’t fixing anything.
It’s simply being willing to notice what you’re carrying.
Danika Desforges-Bell, MSc., Ps.Éd., CMHP
References & Further Reading
Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: The Process and Practice of Mindful Change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.Danika Desforges-Bell, MSc Ps ed.
Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.
Neff, K. D. (2003). Self-compassion: An alternative conceptualization of a healthy attitude toward oneself. Self and Identity, 2(2), 85–101. https://doi.org/10.1080/15298860309032
