Intrusive Thoughts in Parenting: How to Cope with Shame, Guilt, and Anxiety
Danika Desforges-Bell, MSc Ps ed.,
Mental Health Counsellor & Behavioural/Parenting Consultant
Intrusive Thoughts in Parenting: How to Cope with Shame, Guilt, and Anxiety
Today, I’m angry. I’m sad. And I’m exhausted.
That combination tends to trigger anxiety for me – the kind that shows up as intrusive thoughts and a heavy dose of shame. (Yes, counsellors struggle too… shocking, I know. wink.)
Last night was a rough bedtime with the kiddos, and this morning didn’t go much smoother. I lost my cool. Not my proudest parenting moment. And now the mental replay is in full swing, along with some very sticky thoughts that tend to circle the same painful theme:
I’m a bad mom.
I should never have been a parent.
If you know me, you know I’m pretty allergic to the word “should.” It’s usually glued to shame, unrealistic expectations, and a whole lot of pressure to be superhuman. Even though I can recognize that in the moment, it doesn’t magically take the sting away. Insight doesn’t always equal relief. Sometimes it just means you’re aware that your brain is being harsh while you’re still feeling the weight of it.
And today… I’m feeling it.
But instead of cancelling the day or spiraling further, I decided to still go to yoga as planned. I moved my body, breathed a little deeper, and now I’m sitting here writing this – trying to use the very tools I often encourage others to use.
Because the truth is, intrusive thoughts don’t disappear just because we know better. They soften when we respond differently.
1. CBT Self-Talk: Talking Back to the “Bully Brain”
When my mind says “You’re a bad mom,” I pause and gently question it.
Is that a fact, or a feeling?
What evidence exists for the opposite?
Usually the more accurate statement sounds something like:
“I had a hard moment this morning. That doesn’t define my entire motherhood.”
Not perfect. Just more balanced.
2. Mindfulness: Letting Thoughts Be Thoughts
Intrusive thoughts are loud because we treat them like emergencies. Mindfulness invites a different response: noticing without immediately reacting.
Instead of wrestling with the thought, I’m practicing saying:
“Ah, there’s that ‘bad mom’ story again.”
Not pushing it away. Not agreeing with it. Just observing it come and go like a cloud passing through.
3. Compassion-Focused Self-Care
If a close friend told me they snapped at their kids during a stressful morning, I wouldn’t tell them they’re a terrible parent. I’d probably say something like:
“You’re human. Parenting is hard. Take a breath and be gentle with yourself.”
So today I’m trying to offer myself the same kindness.
Yoga. Writing. A few deep breaths. Maybe a cup of coffee that I actually finish while it’s still warm.
None of this magically erases the morning. But it shifts the tone of the day. It reminds me that struggling doesn’t make me a fraud as a counsellor or a failure as a parent.
It just makes me human.
And sometimes the most powerful thing we can do with intrusive thoughts isn’t eliminating them — it’s learning how to meet them with a little more curiosity, a little less judgment, and a lot more compassion.
Feeling Seen and Supported
If this feels familiar – the guilt, the replaying, the harsh inner voice – you’re not alone in it. Beneath so much of this is a very human desire to feel understood, supported, and less alone in the hard moments. Counselling can be a space where that experience is met with compassion, while also helping you shift how you relate to those thoughts. If you’d like to explore that, I offer a free initial phone consultation which you can book online, by calling the clinic at 905-825-8848, or by reaching out to me directly.
P.S.
Today feels a little lighter. Not perfect – but better. Yesterday was one of those on-and-off days where I had to keep coming back to these tools again and again. A few other things helped too: booking my next therapy appointment, adjusting my expectations of myself, sending some honest (and very raw) voice notes to my BFF, taking a long hot shower, folding laundry while watching my favourite shows, cuddling my kiddos when they got home, letting my husband know I was struggling so he could give me a bit more grace, and simply staying hydrated. Nothing groundbreaking – but together, they made a difference.
Danika Desforges-Bell, MSc Ps ed.
As mental health counsellor, I work with children, families, and adults in a non-judgemental, warm, and welcoming environment. As a key member of the C’est La Vie Wellness team, I work collaboratively with our naturopathic doctor, nutritionists, life coaches, etc. I support my clients with concrete tools and coping strategies to achieve their goals and support them through personal challenges.